I love
Guitar Center. It’s a phenomenally unique store – a vast expanse full of
instruments that you can actually try.
It doesn’t matter if you’re into acoustic guitar, bass, or synthesizers, Guitar
Center has all its bases covered and has almost anything a musician could want.
The atmosphere is laid back, the music is always great, and the employees are
never hellbent on getting a commission. I’m not ashamed to say I’ll go by
myself just to enjoy the ambience, take down a guitar I’ll never possibly be able
to afford, and have some fun – even if the standard store has about four leftie
guitars and three of them are Stratocasters.
I’ve
been going to Guitar Center consistently for the past four years, and after a
while I’ve found that there are certain people that always seem to show up –
individuals that add to the fun of dropping by simply because of how they act
in the store. I can’t say I love them or hate them because, at their core, they
add some much needed humor to any trip. So here is my salute to the five people
you’ll see at Guitar Center.
1 1.)
The Newbie
Bless his soul,
but Smoke on the Water has never been harder. Wide-eyed, untrained, and
incredibly lost, Newbies don’t know their way around the store yet, much less a
guitar yet, and are usually the guy you see stumbling over a stray chord or
searching futilely for a pick because they’re afraid of asking an employee.
They are, quite simply, adorable – and I mean that in the least condescending
way possible. Let’s face it, we were all there once, and the last thing you’d
want is to shatter the confidence of someone who’s just started playing. Their
knowledge usually comes down to Smells Like Teen Spirit, Wonderwall, or some
other fairly simple pop song, which explains why the Newbie will be incredibly
intimidated by the regulars shredding away at Metallica or Led Zeppelin.
Nevertheless, Newbies fall into two categories:
On
the one hand, you have the Newbie who’s well-aware of his lack of experience
and incredibly self-conscious about it. To this end, he’ll sit far away from
anyone else, take down an unassuming or fairly crappy guitar (usually a Squier
or an Epiphone), and play whatever simplistic melodies he’s learned so far.
Sometimes, he’s too shy to even plug into an amp, and satisfies himself with
barely being able to even hear himself. Othertimes, he finds a small amp and
turns it up to minimum volume, apologizing heavily whenever people hear him and
pay attention. Invariably, he’ll either exhaust his repertoire, or get
frustrated when he sees and hears people better than himself, and make a quiet
exit. What this Newbie doesn’t realize is that, quite probably, no one has
cared about what they were doing or playing. And because they’re in and out so
quickly, no one really noticed. It’s the effort that counts.
On
the other hand, there’s the Newbie who hasn’t quite realized how good he is.
Strutting into the store, he’ll take down an Ibanez or a Jackson, plug it into
a massive beast of an amp, and proceed to blurt out everyone else’s playing as
he engages in a clumsy rendition of Back in Black. He either chooses to ignore the glares and
numerous faults he makes, or simply doesn’t see or hear them. Like the first
Newbie, he’s got a limited song arsenal, and so he’s not likely to be in the
store for long, but his ego (and his attack) gives him far more of a presence.
It’s this kind of Newbie that people are more likely to make fun of. Typically
accompanied by a girlfriend or someone they’re trying to impress, even if you
don’t see this guy, you’ll hear him.
2) The Hipster in over his head/The
frightened Douchebag
I
have nothing against hipsters. That’s a lie. I have everything against
hipsters, and even more against douchebags. Immediately identifiable by their
ugly (Excuse me, I mean ‘ironic’) facial hair or Abercrombie polos, this guy
stumbles into the store and immediately realizes just how out of place they
are. Days of plunking away on a crappy acoustic can’t possibly have prepared
them for a store where everyone is suddenly better than them. Again, they’re
likely to be accompanied by girlfriends, either as a method to show how ‘artsy’
they are, or how they’re decent at guitar.
Within
five seconds, their sense of superiority evaporated, they’ll begin a
self-inflicted walk of shame through the electric guitar section in a desperate
sally to the acoustic room as they perceive everyone to start judging them. As
with the Newbie, no one particularly cares, but for a person defined by their
ego, this is a crushing blow to their self-perception. Finally, they find their way to the acoustic
room and disappear, only to find that, shocker, people can be better than them
at acoustic guitar too.
But
that can’t stop them. They’ve got a lady to impress, and that means anything
will do. The only unfortunate thing they’ve forgotten is when the guy you’re
sitting next to is playing a perfect rendition of Wish you Were Here as you
fumble to make an A chord, you’re not fooling anyone. Ultimately, it’s a sad
day for this guy when he decides to brag by going to Guitar Center, not just
because he hasn’t quite realized how much he sucks, but because someone’s there
to see him do it. Will sometimes morph into the Newbie.
Alternatively,
they may be the guy there with the ukulele. You know. That guy.
3)
The God
Like
the second Newbie, this person puts a gag on the rest of the store, but they do
it not necessarily by being loud.
Usually above the age of 40, this guy takes down a venerable guitar and
proceeds to absolutely destroy it. It doesn’t matter what exactly he’s playing –
heads turn, noise ceases, and everyone is held in awe of his siren song.
Somehow, he makes it sound completely unrehearsed and completely fantastic.
His
skills run the gambit of everything technical you could imagine – string skipping,
sweeping, tapping, you name it, he does it. As everyone in the store puts their
guitar away, filled with self-loathing, he keeps going. This is the guy
everyone there wants to be, and even though he’s just there to have fun, it
comes at the expense of everyone else’s desire to play. Ultimately, everyone
will be too embarrassed to ask for his words of wisdom, but when he gets up and
finally leaves, there’s a palpable exhale as everyone simultaneously realizes
how incredible he was.
4)
The Bassist
You don’t hear him at the gig and you won’t
hear him in the store. He operates in a different world – a world characterized
by things like ‘Rickenbackers’ and ‘Fender Jazz basses’. His guitars only have
four strings, and his amps are specially designed for him and him alone. You
don’t quite understand him.
5)
The Drummer
Like
the bassist, he lives in a completely different world. A world you don’t
understand and, quite frankly, are a bit terrified of. You never find yourself
able to find him when you need to play a gig or start a band, but nevertheless,
he always manages to show up when you’re not looking. Even better, if you ask
him, he’s already taken. It’s a vicious circle that you can’t quite seem to get
out of.
He’s
a regular looking fellow – might even dress a bit like a bro. At first glance, you
might think he’s a Frightened Douchebag, but as he confidently heads to the
drum section, you know what kind of person you’re dealing with. And if you don’t,
the rhythmic apocalypse that comes out of it will certainly tell you.
Drummers
are terrifying in how unassuming they are. They’ll quietly enter, quietly
leave, but you’ll sure as hell hear them as they’re trying new gear. Even
scarier is, as mentioned before, how they don’t look the part at all in most
cases. This leads you to understand why you can’t ever find a drummer – because
they’re hiding in plain sight.
As
you realize the error of your ways, the drummer leaves just as silently as he
came in. Whoops.
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